He promises to return. It’s that simple. And so it is that Hagar the Horrible, a mystical, if not completely mythical character, loosely modeled after the eponymous cartoon, returns every year to central Florida. It is likely that Scandinavia’s February sailing conditions are too extreme even for Hagar. Like everyone else, he heads for warmer locales. Hagar claims many reasons for his visit. He rouses beach catamaran sailors from winter’s torpor. He builds camaraderie among the fleets of beach catamaraners with a regatta to determine which team can work together most effectively, regardless of the type and size of catamaran. "Forsake all brand loyalty, ye who enter this contest, and swear fealty to your fellow team members," Hagar instructs the faithful. Hagar also returns for the post-regatta beach fest where everyone may eat, drink and be merry. ("Life is too short to sweat the small stuff" is another Hagar wisdom.) During the banquet, Hagar gives one and all commandments, injunctions, commendations and trophies.

Now you know a great deal about how Hagar works, but you don’t know why he’s called Horrible. I’ll explain, but first some details to help you understand.

Saturday of Hagar the Horrible weekend begins with a distance race, known as Hagar’s Run, of about 20 miles. It is in the Banana River, a coastal lagoon behind the barrier island that includes Cape Canaveral. Parts of the course go through the Merritt Island National Wildlife Refuge, an area from which motorized craft are excluded to protect manatees and other wildlife.

Hagar’s Run 1999 was smooth sailing. With easterly winds, light at times, it was a relaxing 3-hour cruise. It always surprises some participants that critters in a wildlife refuge can be, well, wild. Alligators are the usual obstreperous representative wildlife in this part of the river. They swim toward catamarans, puffed up with air so they float higher in the water. This raises their backs and tails out of the water to show their full length. (Did they teach this behavior to the World Wrestling Federation stars?) A large one, about 12 feet long, ‘Bubbles’, is known for her habit of puffing up, and then swimming underwater, trailing bubbles in her wake. Bubbles did not make her usual appearance this year. Perhaps she’s now a pair of shoes in Imelda Marcos’ closet. The only excitement happened when a Hobie 17 sailor startled a manatee by sailing over the top of it as it rested beside a sand bar. The manatee proceeded to move the boat up a few feet out of the water with her paddle, while departing for deeper seas. Manatees have a reputation for being slow and homely.

But, they are also strong.

The reason for the distance race, known as Hagar’s Run, is to search for Hagar. Scenery and the living waters are powerful inducements for a trip through the area for a few hours, even if the search for Hagar the Horrible is ultimately fruitless. No one has ever seen even a sign of Hagar the Horrible during Saturday’s race but, if he were present, we would lead him back to the beach for his usual homage. No one worries, though. Hagar is seldom on time, much less early for anything. But that’s hardly why he’s Horrible.

Traditionally, Hagar appears at noon on the first Sunday of February. Anticipation rises with the sun. By 10:00 a.m., catamaran sails are up and all eyes scan the lagoon for Hagar the Horrible. When the sharpest eyes spot him, the Ram’s Horn Trumpet sounds. (It sounds like a Ram’s Horn. It could be a derelict brass bicycle tooter but most catamaran sailors pay sufficiently little attention to keep reality from biting.)

Hagar the Horrible eventually arrives at the beach resplendent in his best Viking garb: A gold satin cape (plundered from an English nunnery around Y1K perhaps?), a ram’s horn helmet adorned by horns, catfish vertebrae, bananas (no mistaking Hagar the Horrible as the big banana) and an eclectic array of other trivial objects, the prizes of opportunistic accretion. Accoutrements include plastic amulets, perhaps from Mardi Gras, sunglasses from a third world flea market, flip flops and burlap bikini shorts. In any other context, these treasures might be mistaken for worthless junk. On Hagar, they make a less than subdued fashion statement to catamaran sailors everywhere. Hagar appears to be nothing less than A Man in Full, but this is not why he’s Horrible.

As he steps ashore, members of the combined fleets gather around to offer a brew, a token of greeting, and respect to an old and faithful friend. Briefly, Hagar the Horrible mentions some detail of his journeys. This year, he said he visited the African Bush. (Could this be a relative of Florida’s new governor? Hagar did not elaborate.) Then Hagar inspects the catamaran fleet. Finally, he passes out baubles to the assembled faithful. All members of a team have the same color beads, which, of course, have to be worn on the water and during the trophy banquet. Baubles look a lot like Mardi Gras beads; regardless of origin, we accept these as priceless gems.

Finally, Hagar the Horrible announces rules of the day’s contest. They evolve each year to suit prevailing conditions, the composition of the catamaran fleet that year, and Hagar’s recent dyspeptic discharge of genius. The rules always involve teams, a race course around structures or landmarks in the lagoon, and a scheme that grants no advantages to the unworthy. Teams consist of the full range of catamarans size and experience of skippers and crew. The winning team is the one whose last member to return the beach has the shortest elapsed time for the event. Faster boats and more savvy skippers on a team must share course information, cover opposing fast boats or otherwise provide effective encouragement to slower team mates. One year, Hagar the Horrible started the race by handing designated members of each team a banana. At the trumpet call, his or her job was to shove down the banana as fast as talent and size allowed. Ingestion completed, the entire team could shoved off the beach and begin the race. These rituals confirm Hagar the Horrible’s status as the big banana, but do not explain why he’s Horrible.

This year, Hagar gave his regatta a poker theme. At different parts of the course, Hagar or members of his entourage dealt sailors playing cards. Team members pooled cards at the end of the race to make a winning hand. Teams won additional cards from the deck depending on their order of finish. The two teams that arrived last to the beach got more cards than those arriving earlier. These rules may seem a little strange, but rocket scientists (and we have a few around) cannot explain to Hagar a better way to do it. Not even members of the fastest-sailing team, who might under expect a better card draw from Hagar, think this strange set of rules makes Hagar Horrible.

After the race, catamaran sailors enjoy a banquet prepared by members of Hagar’s Harem, wives and mothers of the sailors. During the banquet, Hagar awards the faithful trophies. These are a special part of the day. Trophies consist of Hagar the Horrible comics (carefully accumulated by team members during the previous year since the last Hagar the Horrible Regatta) pasted onto a cedar shake and personally annotated by Hagar himself.

Awards go to the winners for winning the race. Anyone might expect that. But Hagar also gives plaques to award more than Regatta performance. They go to owners of the oldest boat, the oldest bachelor, to the best crew, to the worst crew, the most annoying spouse, or to any other category of accomplishment or foible that Hagar chooses to publically acknowledge. Typically, the award ceremony lasts longer than the food. No one escapes... rather no one goes home without a plaque from Hagar. But this is not why we call him Horrible.

By sundown, the banquet is finished, the beach cats put away, and the trophies are awarded, all of them to the most deserving. Grey mists of reality close in, and so ends the annual Hagar the Horrible regatta.

Catamaran sailors remember the admonition of a high school teacher, "Children have a right to see adults acting like adults," but are glad that occasionally, harmless suspensions of the rules restores youth like no other antidote to time. Once again, Hagar’s visit was a complete success. The local catamaran sailors will be ready for any challenges that sailing might bring. But Hagar won’t be back for another year. That’s why he’s Horrible.

Reality Check: The Hagar the Horrible spring regatta has been held for 25 years by the catamaran sailors of east central Florida. Hagar’s Run is sponsored by Hobie Fleet 11. Winners were Mike Martin (H 17), Chuck Harndon and Don Eldredge (H 16) in 1st, 2nd and 3rd place respectively.

Hobie Fleet 45 hosts Hagar the Horrible Regatta. Hagar is a rocket scientist when not sailing his catamaran. Everyone else is exactly as depicted. The black team won Sunday’s Regatta, with 4 aces.